Every Good Beginning Starts With an End.

    Of all the ways I envisioned my life going, this was not one. Not even close to one, in fact. But, I guess that's kind of how it works for everyone. You have this big plan of exactly how your life will go, where you'll end up, the person you'll be with. But, none of that happens. You have to constantly adjust your dreams to your current life situation. The realist in you slowly suffocates the dreamer, the child. That's what being an adult is. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's all just an adjustment.
   Doctors have always told me how hard it would be for me to have children. The likelihood of getting pregnant, given my PCOS, without a specific diet and fertility med's was improbable, to say the least. What they didn't mention was that losing nearly 100lbs would change that. So I ended up pregnant. At 22, with no stable job or life plan. I wouldn't change that for the world.
    I wasn't expecting to become a single parent. My son's father was so excited when I told him I was pregnant. We hadn't been together long, but we both loved each other and wanted to make it work. But, like I said, being an adult means having the ability to readjust. We went through our ons and offs. Stress, pregnancy, new baby, his dependency issues (that I was unaware of prior to the pregnancy. One of the perks of not knowing someone fully before you get knocked up). But, I was always devoted to him, to our family. To making it work.
    I feel so lost now. I don't know how to readjust this time. I feel stuck at an impasse of my life that I was totally unprepared for. 
    Jaxson is the sunshine of my life. He is so smart, funny, amazing. I know every mom says that, but he really is. Every person that meets him falls in love with him. He has such an open heart and the ability to light up everything he touches. I want so much more for him than this. I feel like such a failure, already. like I've let him down because his father is choosing this other life over us. I just want to stop hurting every day. I hurt for him more than myself, because all he does is love. 

Then I look at this face and everything is ok. Everything is worth it.

    I just wish I could figure out how to let go. I'm just hurting myself, at this point.