My Monster.

You are my son.

That statement could not be truer, in any form, in any words.

You are not what I envisioned, not what I expected. 

You are everything more.

Like envisioning a pond when you've never seen the ocean.

You know there is water, dirt, sky, fish.

But, then you're there.

You're standing in front of this vast teal colored mass of the earth. 

The salt air envelopes every last of your pores and infiltrates your senses more than any smell has ever before.

The sky is like a blanket that covers you, keeping you safe against this amazing display.

The sand is warm and crisp, sticking to every part of you it can touch and in this moment you feel like nothing else in this bleak world exists except for you and this moment.

It's scary.

It's not what you had planned, but it is so much better than you ever could have hoped.

So much more complex than you could ever describe.

You are my son.

Without you, my world is dark.

You are it's light, it's warmth, the end to a long cold night.

You keep my universe from spiraling out of gravitation.

You are the core, the centrifugal force.

The most important aspect to my solar system.

Because, without you there is chaos.

What is left is obsolete.

You are my son.

No one can ever change that.

No one will ever take that away.

No one can ever mean what you mean to me.

I live my life to accommodate yours.

You are the heart of me, the catch in my throat, the tune in my song, the glint in my eye.

Forever, my son.

The Moon met the Sun

    My mother is usually right, when it comes to advice. I hate that fact, but I've gotten used to it. The most prominent proof of this fact was the simple sentence she uttered when I was in the fifth grade. She had come to pick me up for a doctors appointment and couldn't find me on the playground. She asked a random little blonde girl if she knew where I was, and that girl helped her locate me. On the way to the car my mother stated "You should be friends with that girl. She seems like a nice girl." I didn't think she was right, I'll admit. "That girl" and I were very different. We hung out in different crowds, played different games, hardly ever crossed each others paths on the playground. But, I started talking to her any way. Did I mention my mother gives the best advice?
    That girl has been my rock from that time on. She is my anchor, the only thing that kept me still when I wanted to get carried away with the tides. She told me when enough was enough. She told me when certain people weren't right for me. She has saved me from more danger than one person should ever have to save another. She is constantly saving me from myself.
    Her family is my family, and vice versa. But, she is so much more than that. She's like the twin I wasn't born with. We have this innate ability to know when one needs the other. We form the same opinion on something, without even talking to the other about it. We change together. Like yin and yang, I bring her out and she reigns me in. I don't know what I would do without her.
    Sometimes, like tonight, I feel like I'm crashing in on myself. Like there is no answer to my problem and nothing I can do to solve anything. Then she says something so simple, that I've heard a million times a million other ways. For some reason, it clicks. She knows just what to say and just how to say it and my planets are all aligned again. No more apocalypse. No more tears. Just laughter.. and funnel cake. 

 I could never express what she means to me, or how blessed I am to have her. "Sometimes, soul mates aren't people you marry or date or whatever. Sometimes they're just someone who has a part of you and you have a part of them and you're just, you know, made for each other." -Stephanie

Every Good Beginning Starts With an End.

    Of all the ways I envisioned my life going, this was not one. Not even close to one, in fact. But, I guess that's kind of how it works for everyone. You have this big plan of exactly how your life will go, where you'll end up, the person you'll be with. But, none of that happens. You have to constantly adjust your dreams to your current life situation. The realist in you slowly suffocates the dreamer, the child. That's what being an adult is. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's all just an adjustment.
   Doctors have always told me how hard it would be for me to have children. The likelihood of getting pregnant, given my PCOS, without a specific diet and fertility med's was improbable, to say the least. What they didn't mention was that losing nearly 100lbs would change that. So I ended up pregnant. At 22, with no stable job or life plan. I wouldn't change that for the world.
    I wasn't expecting to become a single parent. My son's father was so excited when I told him I was pregnant. We hadn't been together long, but we both loved each other and wanted to make it work. But, like I said, being an adult means having the ability to readjust. We went through our ons and offs. Stress, pregnancy, new baby, his dependency issues (that I was unaware of prior to the pregnancy. One of the perks of not knowing someone fully before you get knocked up). But, I was always devoted to him, to our family. To making it work.
    I feel so lost now. I don't know how to readjust this time. I feel stuck at an impasse of my life that I was totally unprepared for. 
    Jaxson is the sunshine of my life. He is so smart, funny, amazing. I know every mom says that, but he really is. Every person that meets him falls in love with him. He has such an open heart and the ability to light up everything he touches. I want so much more for him than this. I feel like such a failure, already. like I've let him down because his father is choosing this other life over us. I just want to stop hurting every day. I hurt for him more than myself, because all he does is love. 

Then I look at this face and everything is ok. Everything is worth it.

    I just wish I could figure out how to let go. I'm just hurting myself, at this point.